Drunk
by hochmodel
Summary: Nothing good ever comes out of Ralph being drunk. Like that one time he hit on Calhoun, forgetting she was Felix's wife.


"I think you've had enough to drink, brother." Felix stated, trying to pull the bottle away from his best friend.

"P-pllleeease, Fe-hic-lix,...I feel...fine." Ralph slurred. He grabbed the bottle and downed it. Vanellope cheered him on.

"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!"

"Vanellope!" Calhoun said to shut her up. "Fix-it's right. You've had too much." She got up and yanked the bottle away from him, spilling the root beer everywhere. Felix grimaced and began to wipe it off of his clothes.

"It's a good thing I got more than one of these shirts," he grumbled.

"LADY?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU!" Ralph screamed, anger contorting his drunken face. "Wow..." he changed his tone into a whisper. He looked at her chest. "Look at the size of those tits..." Calhoun dropped the bottle in shock, shattering the glass all over the floor. Felix gasped and covered Vanellope's ears.

"What are tits?" She asked innocently. They ignored her.

"Ralph, what is the matter with you?! Apologize!" Felix demanded.

"Wanna come...hic... home with...hic...me, tonight. I have a-hic-large place, and I...don't just mean my house."

"RALPH!" Felix yelled, outraged at his friend's behavior towards his wife.

CRUNCH. Calhoun's infuriated fist collided with his face, effectively knocking him unconscious. The whole bar turned to look, and turned back when they saw Calhoun glare at them.

She nodded to Felix, and both of them picked him up and carried him out of the bar. Vanellope followed, asking all kinds of questions that the two found hard to answer. "What are tits? What was big? Why did you get so mad? Why didn't he know us?"

"Can it, you little cavity!" Vanellope was silent. The three trudged towards _Fix-it-Felix Jr._ they dropped him on the couch inside his shack and then let themselves out.

"Night, Vanellope." Calhoun said, glancing down towards the racer.

"BUT-"

"NIGHT." She growled. Vanellope sadly nodded. "Come on, we'll walk you back." Calhoun said softly.

"I can't believe him," Felix grumbled, his arms crossed in front of his chest. "Just flirting with his best friend's woman! Not even flirting, but making assumptions...completely inappropriate language..."

"What was he making assumptions about?" Vanellope asked.

"He forgot who I was, and was hitting on me," Calhoun answered. "Men."

"Hey!" Felix protested. They eventually made it to _Sugar Rush, _and bid the small girl adieu.

"Well, tonight was interesting," Tamora said. Felix was quiet, still fuming. "It was kind of flattering." She smiled at his horror-stricken face. Truthfully, it was anything but flattering, and she would have punched him harder had it not been for the fact that he was drunk. But she thought it was cute when Felix was jealous, which he rarely was unless a man was obviously flirting with her, so she decided to string him along for her amusement.

"TAMMY! Why...I mean...It's..IT'S RALPH!" Felix retorted. Tamora smiled and ruffled his hair.

"Kidding, honey. Kidding. Truthfully, I couldn't have been more offended if I tried." She giggled at his frustrated expression, and laughed at his angry mutterings of, "Women" and "I'm wasn't jealous! Why would I be jealous of Ralph?"

WIRWIRWIRWIRWIRWIRWIRWIRWIRW IRWIR

"Ugh," Ralph groaned as he stepped towards his side of the game. Gene sniggered, and Ralph shot him a glare.

Ralph was not very good that day while playing, but he pushed himself to try. His head was throbbing and he felt nauseous, but if he wanted to have a home, he'd have to suck it up and just play.

Finally, the day was over, and Ralph waved to Felix. Felix glared at him and turned away, marching out of his spot. "Felix?!" Ralph called, but Felix ignored him. Ralph chased after his friend, catching up with him in a matter of seconds. He picked the smaller man up, causing Felix to flail and blush.

"Why must you and Tammy always pick me up?! I get it, I'm short!" Felix exclaimed.

"Buddy, whatever problems you have with Tamora, I don't wanna know."

"You didn't seem to not want to know last night at Tapper's!" Felix said, infuriated.

"What did I do?"

"Like you don't know!"

"I don't."

"You were flirting with her and making assumptions!"

"Come on, it couldn't have been that bad."

"Hey, Stinkbrain, you gonna tell me what tits are yet, or what?" Vanellope asked, climbing out of the cart to their game.

"Wha...WHAT?!" Ralph asked her, blushing. "Where did you learn that word?"

"You said it last night to Sarge. You also said you had something big, and you didn't mean your house. What did you mean?" She asked, the innocence shining off of her.

Ralph groaned and set Felix down. "She's gonna kill me."

"Oh, she was really mad. She knocked you out." Vanellope giggled. Felix crossed his arms and tapped his foot.

"Wow, buddy. I'm sorry I flirted with your wife." Ralph said, his blush deepening.

"...It's okay." Felix said, finally calming down. "You didn't mean it. RIGHT?!"

"Look, Tamora is gorgeous, but she's not my type. And I'm not hers." Ralph said, smiling down at the insecure little guy.

"Well, thank you Wreck-it." They turned to see Tamora in her armor. "That is a genuine compliment, rather than the trash you spewed last night."

"I'm sorry," Ralph repeated to her. She smiled at him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"You're not getting hard, are you, Wreck-it?" she teased. He glared and blushed.

"TAMMY!"

"What does getting hard mean?"

She laughed at all of them. "The only way to make this up to me, Wreck-it, is for me to have fun at your expense."

"I'm staying away from Tapper's for a while," Ralph muttered.

"So I guess I can't wear a push-up bra around you." She continued, causing Ralph's frustrated face to turn an even deeper red.

"TAMMY!" Felix whined.

"What's a push-up bra?"

Tamora grabbed Felix's hand and pulled him into the carts. "We're going to Tapper's. You, Wreck-it, can answer her questions."


End file.
